It is official. I AM PREGNANT! In God's sweet mercy, Austin and I are going to have a baby in September. Thanks be to God!
Without Christ, I would be barren
forever. My heart is filled with reverence at the thought of His healing and
forgiving hand. I've struggled with what and what not to include in this post.
It is most sacred to me, this my journey to fertility. I plead for sensitivity
to the Spirit to know what to share in hopes of inspiring and encouraging others
to faith in our Savior. If but one soul needs these words, I pray that Father
lead him/her to find them. For indeed, they are exposing, but empowering. It is
God that I glorify. To Him, I am eternally indebted.
A few years before my mission, I started training vigorously for triathlons. Along with my excessive exercise regimen, I also started to view food in an unhealthy and destructive way. Satan worked hard on me, causing me to fear food and gaining weight. I controlled my diet out of fear and hatred for the precious body God had given me. Love and gratitude grew far from my heart.
With time, I started to suffer the consequences for my poor choices. My period started to occur less often, until finally it stopped completely. Months passed. And soon enough, it had been well over a year by the time I left for my mission. My doctor's diagnosis: INFERTILE.
With Jacob, I proclaim: "O the greatness and the justice of God!" (2 Nephi 9:17). Had I not received such a heart breaking consequence for my sins, I would not have turned to Him in a humble effort to repent. I would have persisted in the painful and poisonous ways of Satan.
Just weeks before leaving for Washington DC, Father in Heaven inspired and strengthened my sweet parents to have me meet with their good friend and therapist. She shared something with me that changed me and worked within my soul throughout the entire course of my mission:
THOUGHTS -> FEELINGS -> ACTION
We choose our thoughts. Our thoughts produce feelings. Our feelings, then, move us to action.
Because of God's goodness and grace, we have the ability to discern good and evil. Such was Moroni's proclamation:
"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God."
"But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil" (Moroni 7:16-17).
The therapist, by mercy of the Lord, taught me that I could discern whether a thought was from God or from Satan by the feelings it brought. If a thought brought feelings of peace and joy, gratitude and love, it was from Heavenly Father and Christ. If feelings of fear and depression, hatred and anger cankered my soul, I could know that such was from the devil, the father of lies. Thus - I could cast these venomous thoughts at the feet of the Savior and be spring-boarded back in to His presence.
Throughout my mission I studied and "search[ed] diligently in the light of Christ" (Moroni 7:19) - learning and applying this council in every aspect of my life. I was taught from on High and changed through His grace. I grew to become "confident in the presence of God" because "virtue garnished my thoughts unceasingly" (D&C 121:45).
But as God healed my mind, my period still did not return. During the October 2013 General Conference session, Elder Timothy J. Dyches gave a beautiful sermon wherein the Lord spoke to my soul. He spoke of the 10 lepers who were told to "Go shew themselves unto the priest. And it came to pass, as they went, they were healed" (Luke 17:11-19). "Jesus Christ heals body, mind, and spirit, and His healing begins with faith." I heard Father instill similar, yet intimately personal counsel to my heart through the whisperings of the Spirit: "As you begin eating bread (a food that I had long since avoided completely), you will be healed physically, mentally, and spiritually." So with the already increased grains and oats I was eating - bread, I did partake.
Infertility was now pressing on to two and a half years. I felt the voice of the Lord urge me to ask my sweet mission president, President Riggs, for a priesthood blessing of healing.
His words were powerful and from God Himself. The Spirit encompassed us with a profound intensity I can hardly describe. My soul was elevated as Jesus told me my health would be restored and, in time, I would bear children.
A few weeks later, I asked God why my period had not yet started. I believed with all the strength my soul possessed and I obediently followed all that He had commanded. In kindness and loving wisdom, I felt Him promise, "Be patient my daughter. I want to be sure you will continue to live healthy upon returning home from your mission before I heal you of this infertility." Gratitude and hope welled within me. O how I love our gracious Father and Lord!
Eventually, my sacred mission came to a close. I returned home to Las Vegas and embraced my precious family once again. As Christ strengthened me to continue in faithful stewardship of the body I loved, my fertility was restored!! I fell to my knees in gratitude, praising Him for such a gift.
His blessings did not cease. I started to fall in love with Austin, deeply humbled and amazed to be in his arms. God's hand was ever guiding and upholding us.
A few months before our sacred sealing, I felt God tell me of my potential to become a mother in the month of May. Oh what faith and excitement filled my soul.
But sadly, to my deepest sorrow, I started to fall back into the satanic paradigm of body and food. My habits became fearful and controlling. Such denied me the honor of having a precious baby as soon as Father had suggested.
He carried these words to my heart with loving chastisement:
"It is because that you did not continue as
you commenced, when you began.. that I have taken away this privilege from
you" (D&C 9:5).
A few months later - to my surprise - I missed my period. Excitedly Austin and I got a pregnancy test and discovered that I am indeed pregnant! (To double check, my family and I bought a handful of dollar store tests.) We were positively positive I was pregnant. A miracle! A privilege for which I of myself do not deserve.
When I think of those who have struggled with infertility far longer than I have, I am filled with reverence and compassion. My experience hardly compares with the pain and sorrow these sweet women endure. I hardly understand. But I am filled with hope and faith to know that Jesus understands perfectly, that His love for them is infinite. I do not know why those that desperately desire children can not have them, but Christ is ever with them. Every step of the painful yet beautiful journey to fertility. No matter how long it will take - this too shall end. Whether in this life or the next, they have the promise of eternal posterity if they but follow Him. Oh how beautiful is His gospel. I love our beloved Fathher and Savior.
